Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
