Me. At least after what I've been through.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Randomize
