i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
