She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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