Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
