i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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