he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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