Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I want a musical about memes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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