He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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