I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
