I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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