new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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