Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
