the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
