where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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