two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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