how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
