When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
