Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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