i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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