Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
