your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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