I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
