I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
