awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
