Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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