there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
