my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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