so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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