Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
