Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
