America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
