Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
