I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
