God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
