i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
