this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You ruined the universe
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
