you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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