he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
