Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
