I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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