Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
