wrigley field is MILF paradise
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
