my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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