beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
