I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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