we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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