she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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