I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
