I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
