I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
