why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
