i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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